Ugly feelings chasing me

It hit me today, little by little i turned apart from the presence of God thinking just a little was ok. bu it was more and more the distance between me and my savior.
this morning i was feeling such a deep sadness in my soul. the kind that feels like you want to fall to the floor and cry. but i didn't.

i feel broken, in sin, away from the presence of god. so i talked it out with one of my friends and he said; "... well it seems like you need to really pray and surrender completely to god. down on your knees and cry it out with him he will comfort you". The moment he said it it became completely real and not just a thought in my head. so this night im definitely doing that.

i felt today like i wasn't a christian because of my behavior. the things i say and the things i do. it is true that once you surrender to God there's no turning back, he will take you back if you get lost somewhere in the way. i never experienced this feeling that made me realize i am doing wrong things and i have to stop.

it is true and now i know it is, what they say about you have to literally run away from the things that tempt you or else you'll fall. so now im literally going in the other direction. because of the w ive been these past weeks, i felt this morning like god, embracing me, i let go and went away and then whenever i was going trying to get closer to god he was also moving to the other direction getting away from me as i tried to reach. i can totally understand what this means.

This makes me happy somehow though, realize that God has truly accepted me and that is why i get this feelings. i need to discipline.