Every Step of the way

Big issue when it comes to really know who you are, and thin line when it comes to difference between what you like doing and who you are. For me, myself discovery has been going on for now, uhmm.. Let me think… Pretty much my whole life. What do I mean?, I’ve been living life just going throughout it not really thinking about who I was, I guess because for the most part I thought I didn’t need to know but not really though. I guess the need is always there although wasn’t important to know during the different stages of my life.

For a while now, I’ve been trying to figure myself out. The lack of self identity even affected myself perception of my own self to the point where I tried to find who I was because the need became stronger and started bugging me out. Besides I really believed it was time fr me to define myself.

So there I was, trying to figure myself out but I made a mistake, many mistakes to be exact. I searched in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons. This has to do with my spirituality because; well god has always been a part of my life even when not really important before. At least I thought so. But knowing what is wrong according to god helped me in myself discovery path. It helped because I was taught values of life by my parents as I grew up, so I was conscious of what was required from me by god. But like I said I dint pay much attention to that.
Confused I lived my life doing things that I knew were wrong and I became REAL good at fooling myself and I believed my own lies. I guess that was normal for me considering I wasn’t following Jesus. But I always knew deep inside of me, that most of what I was doing was wrong. The feeling was always there ignored. Until I decided to follow Jesus I realized the feeling was because I always knew I wanted to live a good life and the one that Jesus offers me was it. I didn’t have identity during all my life long.

Identity for me is how you feel doing the things you do, for me they felt wrong and it turned emptiness of my soul and even became a self destroy behavior pattern. Someone asked me why i followed Jesus, was it for the "free heaven ticket" or for the life he offered me. That got me thinking. Really thinking about it.
Finally got it. I realized FINALLY i have an identity. I have a Christian identity. even when I decided to follow Jesus I think I didn’t know what that really meant, to be honest I didn’t pay attention to it, now that I experienced it, is how I get to figure it out.
Although Jesus found me, and I found Jesus, I never found myself until now.

That feeling is what I’ve heard them call as "the holy spirit that lives in you". And I find this very true. Only god could have been there even when I didn’t know. Now I do know he was there. Christian identity I call, to the fact that you know when something is wrong according to god. Someone who has not accepted Jesus and decided (truly) to follow and live for him can't realize about this because obviously they don’t know. Maybe people know wrong for the values they were taught to but not wrong according to god if they don’t know what it is "required" from you by god.

. I have a Christian identity because I know what god wants from me and wants me to do.
I want to follow Christ. For the life he offers me. It’s a good life. Better than many other things that I could do and have joy doing. A life with Christ is the best life I could have.
is not what you do but who you are. How you feel about the things you do. That is identity for me.
The things I’ve done, now I know they were wrong. I know because they didn’t fill my soul. Didn’t satisfy my emotional needs because they felt wrong. They were wrong. And i regret them.
Decisions made with Christ. a lifestyle with Christ doesn’t feel wrong to me. so I’m denying myself because I know I can lead myself to a dark hole. I can destroy myself.

I want to live a good life.
I want to have good feelings.
I want to love.
I feel I want to.
That is Christ.

So my identity is that Christ is my life. The only one that's worth of making him what completes and complements your life.
good things to rely on.
The complement I needed.


Identity becomes Part of surrendering. Is it possible then to completely surrender can that just be called that to the willingness of letting god use you?